ShredHawks Hang on for More Snow: CVU’s Ski & Snowboard Club Frets about Iffy Conditions

Mr. Ethan Oglesby

HINESBURG- CVU’s Ski and Snowboard Club, The Shredhawks have experienced a slow start to the season due to bad weather, but are hoping this changes soon.

So far this season, the club has only made one after-school trip to Bolton Valley, where in past seasons, it would have made up to four or five by this point in the season.

Image by CarolFoxProductions Inc.

CVU Shredhawks and mascot. Image by CarolFoxProductions Inc.

An avid skier and Shredhawks member, Fiona Love says, “We have gone up once, but after this past thaw, we have been waiting for better conditions. After this upcoming storm, we are heading to Bolton for a day trip this Wednesday.“

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(Big sigh) Climate Change: Not Going Anywhere Anytime Soon

Ms. Elyse Martin-Smith, CVC Culture Correspondent

Could you imagine the devastating effects of having your home destroyed by flooding or a powerful hurricane? Could you imagine constant heat waves, like in Vermont where they are used to skiing the snowy slopes? Could you imagine getting only so much water per person, per day, because your supply is drastically low? If we continue on the path we are on in terms of global warming, this could be our reality in less than fifty years. Many people don’t realise how quickly our futures and the futures of our children will be permanently altered because of climate change. One question we should ask ourselves is: What is going to happen, and how can we fix this?

According to the 2014 National Climate Assessment, “between 1958 and 2010, the Northeast saw more than a 70% increase in the amount of precipitation falling in very heavy events (defined as the heaviest 1% of all daily events).” This battle against climate change hasn’t just begun, but in fact climate change has been a problem for quite a while. Based on this trend, scientists have begun to predict what weather changes may happen in the near future. NASA says that “heat waves, heavy downpours and sea level rise pose growing challenges to many aspects of life in the Northeast. Infrastructure, agriculture, fisheries and ecosystems will be increasingly compromised.” This is the opposite in the Southwest, where they predict increasing numbers of droughts.

the-climate-change-system

 

These extreme weather conditions will not only affect humans, but they will also affect other animal species. Near the poles, “the Arctic Ocean is expected to become essentially ice free in summer before mid-century,” according to NASA. Chittenden Core science teacher Andrea Boehmcke proposes that “[the largest consequence for the earth] is going to be rising sea levels and flooding,” which will not only shift the water cycle but also wind patterns. She also explained that there would be severe droughts as well.

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201 Plungers Put Booth’s Mane on the Line, a First-time First-hand Account

 Ms. Elyse Martin-Smith, CVC Roving Reporter

BURLINGTON —  On February 3rd I participated in the Penguin Plunge at the Burlington waterfront for the first time. It was a new experience that was very rewarding in the end.

To begin, we were all standing outside in the freezing cold as we waited for the festivities. Everyone was very cold, but I could never expect how cold we would feel afterwards, which was even worse than I imagined. After we took our team picture, we were separated into different groups in warming tents. Everyone was very excited and nervous at the same time as we got ready to take the icy plunge.

Image courtesy of Gino Johnson

Image courtesy of Gino Johnson

 

The tents were filled with anticipation and excitement radiating almost as much as the heat. Julia Herberg, a CVU freshman and first time plunger shared one of the reasons she was excited to participate. She said, “I am excited for the food.” In fact, plungers received coupons for many places, including Skinny Pancake and David’s Tea. Julia also added that she liked how it brought people together.

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CVU Mathletics Dept: Mathletes Convene for Showdown at U-32

Mr. Milo Cress

Montpelier, VT – The CVU Math League team has returned from their meet at U-32 High School in Montpelier on January 5th after completing a set of tests designed to challenge and enhance their problem-solving and cooperative skills.

Dylan Gooley, a CVU junior and advanced math specialist, was impressed with his team’s performance. “These math competitions are a great environment for like minded, bright individuals to enjoy their passions. Although lacking in a strong presence of veterans, the CVU math team shows a measure of competitive vigor. At today’s meet, one of the Sophomores on the team, named Jake, scored the legendary perfect score on a test”.

Image smuggled by Milo Cress

Image smuggled out by Milo Cress

According to Charlie MacFadyen, the team’s coach, “Math League provides an opportunity for students who enjoy problem-solving and learning additional topics and techniques in math. We meet every Friday morning. On meet days, students spend the bus ride reviewing the topics for the meet. Each student takes three of 4 12-minute tests, in Arithmetic, Geometry, Algebra and Advanced Math. Five students then collaborate on a “team test.” For this meet, those students were Gabe Atkins, Jake Twarog, Delaney Brunvand, Karolina Sienko, and Sunny Premsankar.”

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CVU Men’s Basketball Plans for Return to Finals

Mr. Garrett Dunn

Now underway with their 2018-2019 season, the CVU Men’s Basketball team has just four seniors: Joe Warren, and returning captains Paul Keen, Spencer Dooley, and  Will Burroughs. Lead by Head Coach Michael Osborne, the previous Division I finalist team plans on making a return to the championship once more.

While talking with his team before their preseason game against Lamoille Valley, Coach Osborne reminded them that he plans for this team to accomplish great things. “I have big expectations this year for you guys. You’ll all do great things but we gotta work for it, so let’s set the tone tonight for the rest of the season.”

Image from the CVU team Facebook page

Image from the CVU team Facebook page

Like Osborne, many other people want to see the boys’ team succeed this year. Basketball’s biggest fan and CVU senior, Jacob Mintz-Roberts, is very excited to see his friends play on the court, and lead their school to yet another outstanding season. Mintz-Roberts thinks that their competition is on the rise. He hopes fans will come out to cheer on CVU against tough teams, including Rutland, last year’s State Champion, and BHS.

Mintz-Roberts has a lot of faith in some key players this season, like Nikos Carroll. Mintz-Roberts believes that Carroll is going to play a huge role on the team on the court with his everlasting hustle and danger behind the three point line.

CVU senior, basketball team captain, Varsity  Volleyball starter, certified referee,  older brother, and role model Will Burroughs gave us some insight on his thoughts for this year. He described his excitement to see the new and returning talents of Carroll, Ethan Harvey, and Graham Walker, all scoring and getting play time.

Fans are expected to fill the gym this season. Let’s see if this group of boys can bring one home for CVU this year. Best of luck to the boys!

 

A Fresh Look at the Old Winter Ball

Ms. Greta Powers, CVC Culture Correspondent

Two weeks before the Winter Ball, during White day block 3, Chittenden core Personal Health/Project Adventure teacher, TJ Mead, is laying out the rules for a highly anticipated game in Project Adventure.

“The game,” TJ eagerly says, “is called chaos ball.”

“Sounds like another name for Winter Ball,” I quipped. The remark was met by laughter from my classmates and a grin from TJ.

The previous day in Personal Health, the class had discussed different problems that could occur around the time of Winter Ball. It was merely another time out of a thousand someone had uttered the words “Winter Ball” at CVU in three weeks.

Whatever the reason for its popularity, there seems to be a lot of fuss over Winter Ball. My friends bought numerous dresses online to find the right one and to also eliminate the dreaded chance of being stuck with a faulty dress. When one of my male friends asked a girl why she purchased so many dresses, she quickly responded with, “Well, I have to find one that’s good!” as if it were obvious. It wasn’t quite that obvious to the boy.


I too, cynically enough, enjoyed seeing the ups and downs of people asking each other out to the ball. It was as if I were a spectator on the bleachers of a game, but the game was a bunch of 9th graders either being rejected and embarrassed, or accepted and excited. In this game, halftime is a big dose of emotions.

So what’s with all the hoopla about Winter Ball? Though not even the most popular formal dance of the year (Prom takes that prize), it still seems to catch the attention of many CVU students. Perhaps because it concludes the week of midterms and with that pressure gone, it’s a fun way to celebrate. Or maybe Winter Ball provides a sense of comaraderie amongst CVU students; everyone can talk about it because everyone knows about it.

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13th Annual Cafe for a Cause Benefits Richmond Food Shelf

Sr. Enzo Delia

Each year in the heart of December, Cafe for a Cause takes place in the CVU Cafeteria.  Cafe for a Cause is CVU’s way of giving back to surrounding communities in a big way.

 “Cafe for a Cause is a fundraising event that was started about 12-13 years ago, just as a way of raising money for charities and giving back to the community,” says Leo LaForce, who started the event a year after becoming the CVU’s cafeteria owner/manager in 2004.

 “This year’s proceeds are going to a local food shelf; Student council specifically chose the Richmond Food Shelf as there is a tie in with the Richmond Food Shelf and CVU, and there was also an article that rose awareness of the fact that the Richmond Food Shelf is particularly struggling this year, so the money will go to the Richmond Food Shelf, but we’re also asking for food donations, and the food donations will go to the Hinesburg Food Shelf,” explains Leo.

The food options for this year were similar to last year, featuring many students’ favorite items, kicking off with waffles in the morning, made by your very own Student Council reps.

“Usually, every Cafe for a Cause we do one of the most favored items of the students which is the cheese tortellini in the pesto sauce, so we’ll be doing that, alongside another favorite, Pizza from Dominos, and this time in a complete white dough as opposed to the usual half-whole wheat dough, which students tend to prefer [the white dough], in addition, we’ll have all of the other normal items, the burrito bar, the salad bar, panini’s and things like that,” added Leo.

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Caroline Investigates the Importance of Sports

Ms. Caroline McNamara

 

I  like to dance, and my favorite food is pasta and meatballs. I have my parents. Their names are Joe, Sue, and Kim. My siblings are my sisters Mary and Laurel. I have brothers, too. Their names are Seth and Simon and Gostaf.  I also have pets. Daisy and Ruby are dogs, and I have a cat named Stella.  And I  run track in Special Olympics with my dad.

I do the Special Olympics games with the head coach, who is my dad, and two of my sisters are also helping. Special Olympics is a Unified Sports team consisting of young athletes with and without disabilities.  I think it is going to be great doing this with my friends, and we will have so much fun. I would like to win a gold medal and buy a big house with a hot tub. I would buy some food like pasta and meatballs, hamburger and some hot wings, and I would have big parties with my friends.

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CVU Visitors Impressed, Inspired by School Environment

Ms. Nicole Eaton

HINESBURG, VT — On Thursday, December 7th, a group of Hanover High School students came to Champlain Valley Union High School to get ideas for their school. Each student got a tour of the school and got to sit-in on a class or two.

Alice is a sophomore from Norwich, Vermont, and Julia is in her first year at Hanover High.

Alice and Julia were both impressed by the environment at CVU and expressed their positive observations of excitedness. They especially loved the block scheduling and what seems like a “stress free” environment.

The girls loved a lot of things about CVU, but the things that they loved the most was block scheduling and the “stress free” environment.

“CVU’s block scheduling is very cool. It really gives students the opportunity to seek help if they need it and breaks up the week in a nice way,” says Cook. “You have opportunities to try things on different days. It makes sense in a way that our schedule doesn’t from an emotional and stress level standpoint.” she continues.

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Feelgood Administrators Greet Students, Build Community Every Morning

Mr. Hank Caswell

Kathryn Riley and Adam Bunting stand outside almost every morning greeting students as a way to connect with them and make them feel welcome at school. Their efforts have changed the atmosphere throughout the halls and in the classrooms.

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Principal Bunting Welcomes the CVC into his Office

CVU Principal Adam Bunting is one of the administrators who greets students each morning at the doors of CVU. So, my intention first of all is that I enjoy it. What I find is that when I see students coming in in the morning, it reminds me to do my job the best that I can do it because we’ve got these amazing young people coming to school who sometimes are psyched to be here or sometimes not feeling it, but you get this feeling that there’s a lot of potential that’s walking into the building. The other piece to it is that if someone is having a tough day, a lot of times you can pick that out just by making eye contact with somebody. You can pause and connect with them, and if you’re not doing that face to face interaction then you will never get that chance,” he says.

Bunting feels he can get closer to students and develop relationships that wouldn’t have been established without his actions. “I also want it to be some modeling. Let’s step away from some of the electronic devices and actually connect and create a community that’s as welcoming as possible. If we want that, we better act it and live it, both from students and faculty.”

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APGOV Wire: Financial Help is Hope for Opioid Abusers

Ms. Lily Toensing, APGov Correspondent

On a summer Saturday morning, I was driving into Burlington. At a stop light, I looked over at a church to my right. A man, in his early twenties was sitting on the steps. He was shivering ferociously, yelling at god, and begging for help. His tremors were not from cold. He was shaking from withdrawal. Beads of sweat trickled down his forehead and soaked his shirt. His body was unable to handle the side effects of withdrawal. He was a heroin addict. This homeless man with torn clothing, could not access a treatment center. His last ditch effort was to sit on the steps of a church and pray, scream, for a miracle.

Image Courtesy of RehabNow247

Image Courtesy of RehabNow247

A miracle is “a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences”(Miracle). Miracles are meant for things we cannot control, not things we can control like making help available for drug addicts.

By funding public drug rehabilitation centers, we can help drug addicts to recover from their addictions. No addicts can do it alone and adequate support is the only way to help with these problems.  

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APGov Wire: We need a Multi-faceted Approach to Confront the Opiod Epidemic

Ms. Lilly Cazayoux, APGov Correspondent

There is no doubt in my mind that the biggest problem in the country, as well as in Vermont, is the opioid epidemic.  No matter where you go, it’s impossible to find any community that has not been affected by scourge of these drugs.  Whether it’s an addiction to prescription painkillers, or dangerous street drugs like heroin, we need to dedicate greater resources to fighting them.

Opioid death tolls have been on the rise over the past two decades and began to accelerate rapidly in 2011.  Opioid overdose deaths nearly doubled over the last five years, surpassing 42,200 nationwide in 2016.  In Vermont the death toll was 100.  Opioids don’t care where you come from, nor do they discriminate based on socioeconomic status. Twenty of the deaths in Vermont occurred with people who had no high school diploma, however, an equal number occurred with people who had a college degree. No matter who you are, you are just as susceptible to opioid addiction. It’s time as Vermonters, as Americans, as citizens who care for one another, that we take a stand.

There are two aspects to this problem that must be addressed and fixed; keeping addicts alive, as well as preventing more people from becoming addicted

The big dangers with these drugs, are how easy it is to overdose on them, and the diseases contracted by injecting with unsterile needles. The first thing we must do is preserve the lives at risk, by preventing fatal overdoses. I believe the best solution to that would be to open supervised injection sites. Popular in Europe, supervised injection sites allow addicts to use drugs with sanitary materials, provide treatment consultation, as well as medical help in the case of an overdose emergency. With newer, more potent drugs on the market such as fentanyl, it’s crucial we find a quick way to save these lives before thousands more are lost. These supervised injection sites would provide a chance to preserve lives until users can make the decision to begin the rehabilitation process. The main goal of implementing these sites would be to reduce the immediate health issues that opioid addiction presents, as well as attempting to refer the addicts into treatment.

The other preemptive part of this plan would be targeting doctors that over prescribe highly addictive opioids in unnecessary cases. I believe more stringent rules regulating these prescriptions could prevent many people from becoming addicted to these medicines in the first place, before they turn to the cheaper more dangerous cousin, heroin.

Attacking the epidemic from both sides of the problem could be the solution to saving lives from opioid addictions.

Ed Note: this essay was one of the finalists of Bernie Sanders’ State of the Union Essay Contest.

APGOV Wire: We Need a Change in the Political Climate Regarding Climate Change

Ms. Lily Miner, APGov Correspondent

During this first year of the Donald Trump presidency, we have witnessed many questionable decisions being made for our country that not only affect us, but also those around the world in a negative way. One particular decision, however, has set our country on a path to continue the horrific damage being done to Earth. President Trump’s adjudication to pull out of the Paris Climate Agreement has left us as the only nation in the world to oppose it since Syria signed to join in November. The main objective for this agreement was to restrict levels of CO2 emissions from each country. The consequences of Trump’s withdrawal are grave, as CO2 levels in the atmosphere have risen past 400 parts per million—levels that are already superseding what Earth can handle to support the flora and fauna living on it. Continuing this trend will most likely result in a mass extinction event.

Hearing the White House argue that removing us from the agreement will help boost our economy filled much of the American public as well as climate experts around the globe with a sense of outrage. We have already accumulated a surplus of evidence that man made climate change is having a drastic negative impact. In the past two decades, sea levels have risen at a rate of .13 inches, which is twice the rate of the past century. From 1992 to 2011, Greenland lost 152 billion tons of ice per year, West Antarctica lost 65 billion per year, and the Antarctic Peninsula lost 20 billion per year. Increased intensity in extreme weather including hurricanes, floods, and snowstorms has been recorded since the 1950’s. These are just a fraction of the plethora of examples. Given the massive amount of damage that has already been done, how can it be justified to place the economy as a higher priority?

Thank you to the United Nations for graciously sharing your Paris Agreement logo.

Thank you to the United Nations for graciously sharing your Paris Agreement logo.

 

This choice is especially irresponsible when considering the fact that the United States produces more excess CO2 than any other country. While there are many factors to blame, one of the largest and least necessary of these is the use of fossil fuels. They provide 81% of the energy in the United States, yet they are both incredibly harmful and incredibly easy to replace. A change needs to be made.

It is imperative that we as a global superpower begin to invest in renewable energy such as wind and solar. Many economists agree that the long term benefits from switching to renewable energy would outweigh the short term costs, improving the economy through more environmentally sound means. Certainly a more competent course of action than removing ourselves from the Paris Agreement. Though the cost of installation for these methods are pricier than more conventional ones, they have no fuel costs once they are functioning and the maintenance costs are cheaper. The United States has not only the resources, but the duty to fight against these issues. We need to combat this now, because we will not be given a second chance later.

Editor’s Note: this essay was one of the finalists of Bernie Sanders’ State of the Union Essay Contest.

 

Going “Zero Waste”: a Breakdown of the Latest Trend in Environmentalism

Ms. Sarah Clauss, CVC Environmental Correspondent

One of the largest environmental issues facing our nation is solid waste management. According to the Los Angeles Times, the United States generated about 624,700 metric tons of trash per day in 2011. Few people think about where their trash goes after it leaves the curb — but landfills are hardly the convenient solution you might assume. Landfills produce methane gas and can leech toxins into nearby water supplies. Animal habitats disappear as these waste disposal areas expand, wreaking havoc on biodiversity. The soil around landfill sites often becomes depleted of nutrients and cannot sustain agriculture.

So what is the solution? Many environmentalists have turned to living “zero waste”; they forgo single-use plastic and rely only on goods that they can reuse, recycle, or compost. Interested in getting started? Here are some tips from the experts on producing less trash.

  1. From Celia Ristow of Litterless: “Start slowly – it’s not going to happen overnight, and that’s okay! Small changes that you can stick to add up to large changes over time. I suggest making one change a week or one every other week, to give the new habit time to stick before you add another one.”
  2. From Lauren Singer of Trash is for Tossers: “I always recommend evaluating where you make the most waste and tackling those areas with preparation! For example, if you use plastic bags when you shop, make sure to bring your own reusable bags in the future. Now take this same preparation to all of the areas where you are making waste.”
  3. From Anne-Marie Bonneau of The Zero Waste Chef: “Well, for the general population, I would say my number one rule is to cut processed food and learn to cook (sort of two tips…). Most of the plastic and other trash in our waste stream comes from food packaging, and much of that comes from processed food, which isn’t healthy for us or the planet. So cut the shiny packages—chips, soda, cookies, frozen pizzas, fast food and so on—and you not only eliminate a ton of trash, you improve your diet and health.”

What are some of the challenges of adopting a lifestyle with less waste?

According to Anne Marie, “I think the biggest challenge is just getting started. If you start to analyze your trash, you might be shocked—especially by the plastic coming out of your kitchen, and also the food waste. You may not know where to start. I would suggest you start small and not try to go cold turkey all at once. Perhaps taking a reusable mug or thermos to your local café, shopping at the farmers’ market for loose produce or packing a zero-waste lunch for school. If you try to quit all at once, you may feel overwhelmed and fail. And even if you do start small, you’ll still mess up at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t beat yourself up. Just do your best. If everyone did that, we’d be in much better shape.”

 

Review: Del Toro’s The Shape of Water

Ms. Alyssa Gorton, CVC Arts Correspondent

The Shape of Water poses the question, “Who’s the real monster?” to the nth degree, and in an entirely new way.

In Guillermo Del Toro’s most recent film, he creates a stunning universe set in the 1960’s and makes it his own. Within minutes of watching, I was entirely intrigued by the beautiful aesthetic, unique protagonist, and lovable characters. IMDb states, “Elisa is a mute, isolated woman who works as a cleaning lady in a hidden, high-security government laboratory in 1962 Baltimore. Her life changes forever when she discovers the lab’s classified secret — a mysterious, scaled creature from South America that lives in a water tank. As Elisa develops a unique bond with her new friend, she soon learns that its fate and very survival lies in the hands of a hostile government agent and a marine biologist.”

 

The film has won and been nominated for many awards such as Best Motion Picture, Best Achievements in Directing, and Best Director. As it goes with critically acclaimed movies, not everyone agrees with the critics. I was extremely hesitant to go see the film, as I don’t usually make a point to see movies revered by academies or judges, but I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least. One statement I can make with full confidence is that Del Toro completely enthralls you in this vintage, science fiction world, from the costumes, sets, and dialogue, to the plot, music, and characters.

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Penguin Plunge: A First-time Plunger Recounts her Frigid Flop

Ms. Joyce Ke, CVC Culture Correspondent

The new year has begun and to no surprise, there is a huge group of students who are plunging into the frigid waters of Lake Champlain for the annual Penguin Plunge. The Penguin Plunge is an annual fundraiser that is held by Special Olympics Vermont. All of the proceeds go towards allowing kids and adults with intellectual disabilities to have the chance to train and compete in competitions right here in Vermont. This year, the Penguin Plunge was held on Saturday, February 3rd at the Burlington Waterfront.

This will be CVU’s sixth year plunging. With 167 people in 2016 and 168 having signed up last year, this is a big year for the CVU Penguin Plunge because the goal of reaching 200 plungers was finally met. This year, 201 students signed up to plunge and the student body raised $50,000 for Special Olympics.

Image by Joyce Ke

Joyce charges the toward the frigid waters of Lake Champlain. Image by Gino Johnson

CVU participates in the “Cool Schools” Penguin Plunge and the process to plunge is all pretty simple. The first thing you need to do is sign up on the penguin plunge website and raise a minimum of $150. Afterward, you need to fill out a waiver and bring it to Peter Booth. Once  you have completed those steps, you can get yourself a t-shirt, hat, and inflatable penguin from Peter. The very last step in this process is to go plunge into the lake and have fun.

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APGov Wire: How ‘Bout a Little Mutual Respect?

Ms. Ella Whitman, APGov Correspondent

When my high school principal told us that there were only three rules we had to follow I was shocked. How can you sum up every expectation that must be demanded of a young adult into three things? He went on to inform us that we must take care of ourselves, take care of each other, and the place. While thinking about these three guidelines it became apparent that achieving them can be challenging at times but the step to do it is simple; you must respect all things. Looking at our nation today it is clear that lack of respect creates the most conflict in our nation. Our negligence to respect each other’s bodies, opinions, ethnicities, races, backgrounds and beliefs leads us to discrimination, hatred and prejudice. We see endless examples in our lives today.

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The lack of respect for one another’s opinion is vividly apparent in politics today. The Pew Research Center recently reported how the partisan divide on our nation’s politics is increasing. A study concluded, “The shares of Republicans and Democrats who express very unfavorable opinions of the opposing party have increased dramatically since the 1990s, but have changed little in recent years.” This is alarming because if we as people can not see others perspective, we will not be able to collaborate or work with one another to collectively strengthen our nation. By respecting others’ opinions we can gain insight and also learn their specific needs.

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Opinion: Guys Need to be Allies in the Fight against Sexual Violence

Mr. Walter Braun, Guest Editorial Writer

The discussion surrounding sexual harassment is often suppressed by many high school students, teachers, and their parents by virtue of its somewhat “uncomfortable” nature. As a male student of CVU, many would peg me to be the last in line to address this issue in our society. Nevertheless, with two older sisters, younger cousins, and friends who potentially could face some form of sexual misconduct in their separate institutions, I made it my personal goal to initiate the fight against sexual violence and harassment.

For most, seeing a male as one of three co-leaders in the battle against sexual harassment, sexual violence, and rape culture conjures subtle concerns: one in particular being that a man should not be a spokesperson against violence that is, more often than not, targeted at women. From this, it would be easy to say that my role won’t have the same positive impacts as a woman’s, for these potential candidates may (or may not) have directly or indirectly experienced some form of sexual misconduct. To that, I would agree.

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Yet addressing the problematic aspects of our high school, college, and occupational culture has two primary aspects to it: The first, and arguably the most important, is to assist and devote oneself to helping the full recovery of victims. The second aspect is educating the part of society at the root of the problem, young adults, primarily young men (although women can be perpetrators as well).

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Satire Club Editorial Division: Did Obama Invent the War on Christmas

Disclaimer: Satire can make you think, but it can melt the brains of literal-minded people; proceed with caution.  –CVC Eds.

Mr. Thomas Repudiak, SC Correspondant

Did Obama Invent the War on Christmas?  Let’s take a look at the facts I just made up.

Obama has long been championed as the leader of Christmas killers, making 90% of his 2012 agenda based around spitting on the Bible. Despite showing Obama a  photoshop I made of him hanging Santa, he denies any involvement in that matter sidestepping questions, and stating, “you photoshopped that — that never happened”.

I decided to dig deeper and present to you the most compelling reasons I made up about why Obama hates God.

Image courtesy of the AP wire

Image courtesy of the AP wire

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CVU Satire Club Breaking News: Mall Santas Enter the Fray in the War on Christmas

Disclaimer: Satire can make you think, but it can melt the brains of literal-minded people; proceed with caution. –CVC Eds.

Mr. Calvin Lord, SC Correspondant

A group of heavily armed mall Santas have established a foothold in the Northeastern Mall, taking control of the toy store by replacing nerf gun bullets with light machine gun (LMG) ammunition capsules. The move was unprecedented; the small liberal platoon of Happy Holidays Armed Forces (HHAF) stationed at the gumball machines was caught completely off guard. Only three were able to escape before the escalator was blown up.

Alaska Guard conducts Operation Santa Claus

The rescue teams have managed to remove almost all civilians from the area, but there are still isolated pockets of people.

With the War on Christmas turning in this new and scary direction, it’s time to look back at how this really got going.

It has been three months since the Merry Mall Santas Association (MMSA) began their hostile takeover of malls on the east coast. Their army quickly overwhelmed the HHAF, as they have been able to recruit legions of Fox News fans ready to put on tights, pointy hats, and ammunition sashes, and charge to defend their brave, obese, chimney traversing leaders.

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CVC Video Feature: The Case of the Missing Strawberry Pop

Mr. Samuel Swavay Comai

The Redhawk Cafe is now the area of a case that has caught CVU students off guard. The Redhawk Cafe offers a wide variety of tasty snacks and treats. In the weeks proceeding Thanksgiving Break, the cafeteria lost one of its most well-liked treats. The Strawberry Shortcake Pops were not only good, but they sold like wildfire. Now the cafeteria is missing it’s most flavorful treat, and the culprit, health regulations.

The missing Strawberry Pops first came to the attention of students during the week of November 13th. As kids funneled through the cafe doors, something felt different. The usual crowd of students wasn’t by the cooler which contained the Pops. The corner of the freezer that normally held the pops was filled with a couple stacks of ice cream sandwiches.

“I was pretty taken back by the entire situation! Those pops are a great snack and treat,” comments strawberry pop enthusiast, Sam Weese.

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