Disclaimer: Satire can make you think, but it can melt the brains of literal-minded people; proceed with caution. –CVC Eds.
Mr. Calvin Lord, SC Correspondant
A group of heavily armed mall Santas have established a foothold in the Northeastern Mall, taking control of the toy store by replacing nerf gun bullets with light machine gun (LMG) ammunition capsules. The move was unprecedented; the small liberal platoon of Happy Holidays Armed Forces (HHAF) stationed at the gumball machines was caught completely off guard. Only three were able to escape before the escalator was blown up.
The rescue teams have managed to remove almost all civilians from the area, but there are still isolated pockets of people.
With the War on Christmas turning in this new and scary direction, it’s time to look back at how this really got going.
It has been three months since the Merry Mall Santas Association (MMSA) began their hostile takeover of malls on the east coast. Their army quickly overwhelmed the HHAF, as they have been able to recruit legions of Fox News fans ready to put on tights, pointy hats, and ammunition sashes, and charge to defend their brave, obese, chimney traversing leaders.
The HHAF still claim control over 40% of malls and shopping districts, but those are mostly concentrated in the northern states. HHAF has been completely unable to reach the capital of the MMSA, at the Austin Texas super mall. However, the same disadvantage is brought up against the Santas. They haven’t gotten anywhere close to Burlington yet.
One Liberal representative said, almost crying from laughter, “you wanna know why they haven’t invaded burlington yet? It’s because they think they’ll catch liberals disease!”.
Apparently HHAF spies have released fake propaganda leading southern citizens to believe that if there are enough liberals together in one place, a non liberal can catch a disease that will slowly contort their view of reality, until they are climate change believing atheists. As a result, the MMSA has avoided direct contact with Liberals, changing the general strategy to more distanced, guerilla style skirmishes rather than open close ranged fights.
Their fear of the disease has also caused them to put extensive funding into their relatively new science division, in an attempt to create a cure for the horrible disease.
However, three weeks ago, HHAF security headquarters picked up chatter that hinted at preparations for an invasion of Church Street, with full hazmat gear and flamethrowers. They have already taken over half of Vermont, and are making their way toward manhattan as well, though the battle is currently centered on the bridge.
Now that they have control of the burlington shopping district, the HHAF is running out of options.