Satire Club Editorial Division: Did Obama Invent the War on Christmas

Disclaimer: Satire can make you think, but it can melt the brains of literal-minded people; proceed with caution.  –CVC Eds.

Mr. Thomas Repudiak, SC Correspondant

Did Obama Invent the War on Christmas?  Let’s take a look at the facts I just made up.

Obama has long been championed as the leader of Christmas killers, making 90% of his 2012 agenda based around spitting on the Bible. Despite showing Obama a  photoshop I made of him hanging Santa, he denies any involvement in that matter sidestepping questions, and stating, “you photoshopped that — that never happened”.

I decided to dig deeper and present to you the most compelling reasons I made up about why Obama hates God.

Image courtesy of the AP wire

Image courtesy of the AP wire

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CVU Satire Club Breaking News: Mall Santas Enter the Fray in the War on Christmas

Disclaimer: Satire can make you think, but it can melt the brains of literal-minded people; proceed with caution. –CVC Eds.

Mr. Calvin Lord, SC Correspondant

A group of heavily armed mall Santas have established a foothold in the Northeastern Mall, taking control of the toy store by replacing nerf gun bullets with light machine gun (LMG) ammunition capsules. The move was unprecedented; the small liberal platoon of Happy Holidays Armed Forces (HHAF) stationed at the gumball machines was caught completely off guard. Only three were able to escape before the escalator was blown up.

Alaska Guard conducts Operation Santa Claus

The rescue teams have managed to remove almost all civilians from the area, but there are still isolated pockets of people.

With the War on Christmas turning in this new and scary direction, it’s time to look back at how this really got going.

It has been three months since the Merry Mall Santas Association (MMSA) began their hostile takeover of malls on the east coast. Their army quickly overwhelmed the HHAF, as they have been able to recruit legions of Fox News fans ready to put on tights, pointy hats, and ammunition sashes, and charge to defend their brave, obese, chimney traversing leaders.

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CVC Video Feature: The Case of the Missing Strawberry Pop

Mr. Samuel Swavay Comai

The Redhawk Cafe is now the area of a case that has caught CVU students off guard. The Redhawk Cafe offers a wide variety of tasty snacks and treats. In the weeks proceeding Thanksgiving Break, the cafeteria lost one of its most well-liked treats. The Strawberry Shortcake Pops were not only good, but they sold like wildfire. Now the cafeteria is missing it’s most flavorful treat, and the culprit, health regulations.

The missing Strawberry Pops first came to the attention of students during the week of November 13th. As kids funneled through the cafe doors, something felt different. The usual crowd of students wasn’t by the cooler which contained the Pops. The corner of the freezer that normally held the pops was filled with a couple stacks of ice cream sandwiches.

“I was pretty taken back by the entire situation! Those pops are a great snack and treat,” comments strawberry pop enthusiast, Sam Weese.

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